A new phase of healing. I’m feeling quite good (after the chemo side effects wear off)—a win I’ll accept. I’ve been able to enjoy some movies in theatres and a wider breadth of tasty foods. I’m finding more energy here and there throughout the days. These are good signs and contribute to a mood of heightened spirits, which I need. I find myself surprised that the drugs could possibly be working when they feel so brutal. I guess that’s the point.
While the cancer moves out of my body, the shift from autumn into winter signals change as well. The excitement of diagnosis has wound down, and I’m turning inward more. I’m valuing time to myself. The last couple of months have been somewhat of a marathon, and it feels like I can breathe a bit more this week. I’m enjoying the space and quiet while I can, although it’s not all easy.
I’m bemoaning the shorter days and colder air. It’s the signal for hibernation, but it brings its own anxiety. Am I ready for the coming months? What is even coming? More rest? More treatment? More fatigue and nausea or some other adventure? I’m a leaf on the wind, not knowing where I’m headed. I’ll get answers soon, but it’s a bit unsettling.
The hardest thing I’ve been confronting these last few weeks is my ablism. I’ve thought of myself as so accepting of everyone and an advocate for accessibility. But until being faced with my own inabilities, I’ve failed to see how much prejudice I hold. I’m seeing how I’ve valued work and productivity so much. I’m hard on myself when I’m not pursuing a challenge. I’ve harboured these thoughts of others too, and now I’m learning it’s necessary to let go. It’s not easy. I’m learning to accept all life in the way I accept the bugs, soil, and streams for just being alive and beautiful. I realize that engaging in joy does not need to be a reward for hard work. I’ve had to confront the scorn I’ve cast on myself and others for not constantly pursuing difficult or challenging things, and it is a tough cookie to chew. I realize the irony that this tough cookie is yet another challenge. It is what it is: necessary. But, I’m trying to be kind with how I learn this lesson.
So here I go into the calm: more healing, more joy, more life.
Kat Dornian 